I guess I finally have something to write on this page after desperately doodling on it all day. Not that I'm happy about it. Not at all, actually.
It's just... She was the last person you would expect this of, but also the first person too.
When I heard, it was brief shock and then resignation. I'm not sure where between those the tears started, but I did cry, and fairly soon.
I'm not sure I even HAVE the right to cry for her. I mean, yeah, I knew her, went to middle school with her, laughed with her from time to time. But I didn't KNOW her at all. Just enough to know she seemed to be perpetually happy, and that she was nice to me when other people weren't.
What could be so bad that she'd not just want to die, but actually take matters into her own hands? I know that's what people always ask, but I really want to know. I've walked that edge before, been just about to let go, but I've always had the hope to keep on living, to get better. What could make a girl who seemed as cheerful as she did stop hoping?
I don't understand.
I mean, I really just can't wrap my mind around it. How could she just be... gone? How could that bubbly blonde just be cold and still? I can't quite accept it. She can't be... dead.
There, I said it. She's dead. She killed herself.
I don't know how she did it and I'm not sure I want to know.
What Jaclyn must be going through....
What her step-sister must be going through....
I don't even want to think about her parents.
I remember between seventh and eighth grade, she went from being a little toward the plump side to being a complete stick. She seemed to become popular overnight. I always sorta wondered what changed, but didn't really think about it. I didn't let myself think it was an eating disorder, or that people really were so shallow as to ignore one of the nicest girls in the school because of her weight. I still don't really let myself think about it.
Is that what's going to happen to me? To Zach? To Charmee? To Stephanie? To Angie? To Kyle? To Briona? Are anyone of us going to fall down so far that we'll start thinking we'll never see the light again and just stop looking for it? Are we going to kill ourselves too, and seem happy to the casual eye all the way up until then?
She was the last person you'd expect it of, but also the first person, too.
Oh, Casey... Could no one save you?
