My drive to write is far stronger than my subject matter. Irony is not a great device for recounting days filled with nothing. The practice of making the ordinary seem interesting is an art form I practice only sporadically.
What do you say when it all seems the same?
I cut myself emotionally every time I look back, undermining my drive to move on. I have to accept that the past will not change, and the present will only ever offer up possibilities that I make for myself. So, new rule: no more looking back. I am tired of bleeding.
It's not all the same, however much it may sometimes seem like it. We talk of circles as though they're inescapable (and maybe that's true), but it doesn't mean we can't introduce something new. The ordinary is as interesting as I decide it should be, and infinity fills my days. (The greatest irony of all is that nothing and everything are the same.)
No more looking back. My drive to write and my drive to move on prove that I am strong.
9/28/11
9/22/11
"Progress"
Caution is the catchphrase, but that does not mean that there should be no progress. I want things to move forward, albeit with all eyes open. I like to have things happen. I find it exciting. Movement is growth, what life is all about.
I guess what I really want is a romance. Nothing I've done before - this flirtation should be fresh.
Am I really the sort of girl who plays with hearts for her entertainment? Evidently so.
It's not fair to play with his heart, then. I have no wish to break either of us, or anyone else. And that's what it would come to - a whole bunch of drama.
It's interesting to note that one of my reasons for writing this is to feel as though something's happening. This is to create the illusion of progress.
Getting anywhere?
I guess what I really want is a romance. Nothing I've done before - this flirtation should be fresh.
Am I really the sort of girl who plays with hearts for her entertainment? Evidently so.
It's not fair to play with his heart, then. I have no wish to break either of us, or anyone else. And that's what it would come to - a whole bunch of drama.
It's interesting to note that one of my reasons for writing this is to feel as though something's happening. This is to create the illusion of progress.
Getting anywhere?
9/19/11
The Lines
I have long been cognizant of the fact that I will never be her, no matter how some may compare us. I do not compete with her - I refuse. What is hers is hers and what is mine is mine.
We do not cross those lines.
She will never be me. Please be cognizant of where we've drawn the lines, and leave what is hers as hers.
If something is to be mine, then you had better make damn sure that it was only ever mine.
We do not cross those lines.
She will never be me. Please be cognizant of where we've drawn the lines, and leave what is hers as hers.
If something is to be mine, then you had better make damn sure that it was only ever mine.
9/18/11
Forward
I could write the both of us backwards trying to explain the world to you, and never get much further than "woah." It's an exercise in futility.
So I won't try to explain the world, and the both of us can keep going forward.
I'm not perfect. That's easy enough to conceive. I hate playing this game, even as I admire how beautifully the rules are structured. I laugh in the face of the consequences of circumventing convention, but secret myself away in the security offered by silly social norms.
The world is the game, an intricate institution that has so many ins-and-outs, they glisten like an ice maze in the early morning sunlight. I can't explain it without turning us away from it. I fear it, but I ultimately embrace it.
Let's go forward.
So I won't try to explain the world, and the both of us can keep going forward.
I'm not perfect. That's easy enough to conceive. I hate playing this game, even as I admire how beautifully the rules are structured. I laugh in the face of the consequences of circumventing convention, but secret myself away in the security offered by silly social norms.
The world is the game, an intricate institution that has so many ins-and-outs, they glisten like an ice maze in the early morning sunlight. I can't explain it without turning us away from it. I fear it, but I ultimately embrace it.
Let's go forward.
9/13/11
Don't Step In It
All these squabbles? All this petty bitchiness, groundless disappointment, and down-turning spinning of life's wheel?
It's short term.
Most of the crap we stress about every day, like who likes who and who gets invited to what parties, isn't going to matter 20, 50, 100, 1000 years down the path.
The crap we deal with day to day is merely a series of challenges that we step carefully over and ultimately forget. But we have to step over all that crap in order to make the journey.
Yes, the squabbles, the petty bitchiness, the groundless disappointment, and the down-turning spinning of life's wheel have significance.
But crap is nothing that anyone wants on the bottom of one's shoes, so (in general) (as a rule) (for the best) -
Don't step in it.
It's short term.
Most of the crap we stress about every day, like who likes who and who gets invited to what parties, isn't going to matter 20, 50, 100, 1000 years down the path.
The crap we deal with day to day is merely a series of challenges that we step carefully over and ultimately forget. But we have to step over all that crap in order to make the journey.
Yes, the squabbles, the petty bitchiness, the groundless disappointment, and the down-turning spinning of life's wheel have significance.
But crap is nothing that anyone wants on the bottom of one's shoes, so (in general) (as a rule) (for the best) -
Don't step in it.
9/8/11
Foreign Language
You don't get it.
You don't have to.
After all, you're far away, in your own separate reality, and if I didn't know that it isn't possible, I'd say that you've forgotten about me. But it isn't possible, so I know you've merely made a choice. I speak in rhythm, but you just lie.
So, I'll pretend to understand. In a way, I actually do. Because you're far away, and I'm here, all alone. I may as well speak a foreign language, because you don't get what I'm saying.
I guess you just don't have to.
You don't have to.
After all, you're far away, in your own separate reality, and if I didn't know that it isn't possible, I'd say that you've forgotten about me. But it isn't possible, so I know you've merely made a choice. I speak in rhythm, but you just lie.
So, I'll pretend to understand. In a way, I actually do. Because you're far away, and I'm here, all alone. I may as well speak a foreign language, because you don't get what I'm saying.
I guess you just don't have to.
9/6/11
Life Gets Hard
So what?
When life gets hard, you get over it. You paste a cheesy grin on your face, and you move on. There's nothing to be gained by just letting life be hard, sitting passively and doing nothing about it.
Moving on.
When life gets hard, you get over it. You paste a cheesy grin on your face, and you move on. There's nothing to be gained by just letting life be hard, sitting passively and doing nothing about it.
Moving on.
Dud of a Daydream
Sometimes, I daydream about having absolute control over my emotions. I daydream about being a less pathetic version of Athama.
In a lot of ways, I've come to resemble the girl I once depicted.
"I am a cold, hard bitch," I warn people. (But there's the whole axiom where the more often someone feels the need to make a statement, the more one should question the veracity of that statement.)
I don't have absolute control over my emotions. I never will. And, as much as I may occasionally daydream about becoming a less pathetic version of Athama, it is a fantasy I will never actively pursue.
In a lot of ways, I've come to resemble the girl I once depicted.
"I am a cold, hard bitch," I warn people. (But there's the whole axiom where the more often someone feels the need to make a statement, the more one should question the veracity of that statement.)
I don't have absolute control over my emotions. I never will. And, as much as I may occasionally daydream about becoming a less pathetic version of Athama, it is a fantasy I will never actively pursue.
9/5/11
Where We Live
This is where we live - somewhere between the place where heartache ends and genuine joy begins, never fully entering one realm or the other. This is where our hearts beat; this is where our hearts bleed.
This is the land of melodrama, but also the land of attempted truths. We are nothing apart from what we are, and we are anything we think to be. We have no roots, but find we are rooted too deeply. Moving on would be easy if we didn't always pace.
Welcome to this tiny town, where almost everyone seems to live. Located just down from heartache and just up from genuine joy, this is where our hearts bleed; this is where our hearts beat.
This is the land of melodrama, but also the land of attempted truths. We are nothing apart from what we are, and we are anything we think to be. We have no roots, but find we are rooted too deeply. Moving on would be easy if we didn't always pace.
Welcome to this tiny town, where almost everyone seems to live. Located just down from heartache and just up from genuine joy, this is where our hearts bleed; this is where our hearts beat.
Impossible Loves
You have to understand that I just can't do this anymore. Sure, it's all good to romanticize Romeo and Juliet, but I'd like to point out that they both DIE in the end. Overcome those obstacles, rah-rah! But sometimes the end of the course is not worth all the trouble of reaching it.
So, this is it. I'm not doing this anymore. Not this you and me thing, not this me and him thing - none of it.
I am finished with impossible loves.
So, this is it. I'm not doing this anymore. Not this you and me thing, not this me and him thing - none of it.
I am finished with impossible loves.
9/1/11
Some Points about "Reparamus"
Reparamus - the first person plural present conjugation of the latin reparo. This can be translated as any of the following:
- We recover
- We retrieve
- We renew
- We restore
- We repair
- We refresh
- We revive
While this story was inspired by true events, such as a bracelet that has a lot of meaning for me, if you are reading it as a literal recounting of events, you are missing the point entirely.
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