Please Understand

Please understand that there's more to this than either of us will ever be able to comprehend. I'm slightly (understatement) confused and there's not a lot I wouldn't wager on you feelin' the same.

It's tough to be alone.

I guess I kinda knew that, but I never really got it until you were no longer there. And having you "back" is so intoxicating.... It's so easy to use the old patterns of behavior, and to ignore all the reasons it was good for us to be alone in the first place, to hear a small traitorous voice whisper that those reasons don't hold true anymore.

But they have to be true! Being alone is hard and (egads) lonely, but if our reasons for being alone aren't true anymore, we'd have to try. And that's fucking scary (in more ways than one). Your arms feel like safety to me, but that will only last so long as I'm in them. I leave in the morning, and you leave after that.

Being alone is hard, but being with you, far away, is not easy.

So, is it just for old times' sake that you're in my bed? It must be, else why would I talk about others there've been since then and pretend I don't see you wince? It must be, because that is at least something I can comprehend.

So, please understand: "I love you" doesn't mean there aren't still reasons I can't.