The Cold 'What If'

I feel all the more empty for having been briefly fulfilled. After all those years, it finally happened. I found him. I found him, and it feels as though as the world seems to begin, it ends. (It used to be the other way around.)

I am cold with unshed tears, but I will not touch the blankets. They have no comfort for me - not tonight. Like the moon crossing the sun, he has blotted out every trace of light I could half-way see. Or maybe I'm wrong and he is the sun finally moving from behind the moon. But this sun must not be for me.

Why is this such a struggle? This is what I wanted! The 'what if' I have chased since I first began to wake up! But, as I always knew but didn't want to, the 'what if' cannot be answered. And I really can't bring myself to really wish it could be. (That would only be to invite disaster, as what goes around, comes around.)

I want to burble on about him to anyone who'll listen, but I don't know enough to really have anything to say. Besides, it's a useless urge. ("Have you been eating bowls of rainbows with unicorn marshmallows again?" The one who I never realized is so much like him demands. "That'd be ridiculous.")

Goddess, why now? (Everything happens for a reason.) Why, when nothing can really come of it, when he may as well be galaxies away? Now not even that not-so-faceless lover will be summoned to my back, and I can't quite recall whom I hoped would shatter that silly adverb 'platonically.'

That pale substitute has the nerve to wink at me and I can't work up the courage to be the woman I wrote about. Hasn't the silly boy figured it out yet? I may as well be stamped, "Mormon Anti-Standard." And he may as well be stamped, "That 'what if' can't be answered." (This is one of those rare entries where the pronoun always means the same person.)

I had so much hope. My heart was thundering in my ears, and I forgot that logic ever even had a voice. I couldn't sleep for anticipation of waking up the next morning to see his face. (I think the problem is that logic was never really overruled by anyone else, no matter how close one almost came.)

So I'm empty now. (No, that's not true.) I'm shivering with tears that keep breaking through. (Leave the blanket alone - there's nothing it can do.) I can't even remember the sun I used to know, because all I can see is the far away moon. (And yes - this is what I wanted.)