Falling Unfixable

I thought things had changed, I thought they were better. Hell, I thought I was better. I thought (wished, hoped, prayed!) that I'd become likable, appealing, someone-worth-something in the eyes of others. But of course not. Never in these years that matter.

Searing glares, a keep your distance walk- my smile tightens and I try to pretend that I don't notice, that it doesn't matter, that I don't care. When they laugh and they point and they talk, I shut down and pray that the blush I put on that morning is the only thing coloring my cheeks. And I thought things were different!

And no one cares if they aren't. So what? Just the usual outcasts in the outlands. Nothing new, no matter. Really, no substance to the situation. So what if she reads self-help books non-stop in the desperate, desperate hopes that things will get better, that she can make it so? So what if she's a brilliant conversationalist, makes people feel special, as long as she gets the chance, the opportunity, to do so? But, no. Her face must be stone or else her heart would be smeared across these marble floors. As it is, it's what's happening to her soul.

Don't you understand? I try, try, try to be the empathetic ear, the one that listens, comprehends, makes it better. But how can I? I can't even fix myself, yet you expect me to make you all better. God, I'm so empty, so silent, so stuck! Please, understand. If I just have that, there's glue enough for me to finish the job.

I didn't smile today, because all I saw were frowns. Please, I thought things were different, I thought things were better. I thought I could manage, I thought I could sing, but now I see that I never knew what those things really mean. All those searing glares cut me from without, all those keep-your-distance walks stone me with boulders from within. Please, understand, I implore you. I thought that things had changed - I thought that I was better.