Free Write

I called for Heaven in a state of molten grace. I deemed myself worthy- no one puts me in my place. I've clawed my way up from the bottom of the pile. I've gained inches, almost feet, and that's nearly an accomplishment. The weight of those on top keeps pushin' me down. I've got to get stronger, or this will always be the case. I must be a demon, I must be an angel, I must be a virgin, I must be a whore. I've got to loan myself out until I get interest back. Perhaps not the best method of the lot, but it'll certainly get results. Lift me up to Heaven? Most likely not. I'll always be a wagging tail at the bottom of the puppy pile. All my friends are natural leaders, so I must be a follower. God, do I resent that idea. I am in charge of me, no one else. Do you hear me? Of course not, I am silence. I tried to climb a mountain only to discover it had no top. I was just dieing, no intent to go to Heaven. And isn't that a catchy turn of phrase, ringing through the halls? Yes, it's a pretty sound, but it loses its charm when it's overplayed. I'm going to dance a pole, become the sexy queen. But I'm never the queen, am I? There's always someone better suited to the title. I'm searching for a sense of belonging, and, God, it's hard to find. All my interactions fall empty. After faux matchmaking, I feel guilty. I should apologize to the both of them for wasting precious time. He's not for her, and he's not for me, I 'm not for that other - This triangle was never what it seemed. I'll just have to talk to him - perhaps he'll understand. But again, there's someone better available to take the job, so why should I bother to try? I'm second string, third string, not on a string. Friggin A - I never made the team. I'm the last tier of the hierarchy, and it's made of three. First there's perfection, then there's devilry, and then there's nothing. And nothing is guilty, nothing is sad, nothing is neglected... Nothing is sad. So I aspire back to something, and that's just too damn bad. 'Cause I've always been nothing, and the monarchy doesn't even glance down.