Clicking 'Quit, New Game'

I all too often deal with everything pressing in on me on my own. I take everything that hurts me, that's killing me slowly, into my soul and there let it fester. It's not like I have any other choice. It's just that there's nowhere else to put it, no way to get rid of it. It's all mine, all I've got, really.

Did you know that I'm more popular than I've ever been in my life? I am. I know more people than ever, but I actually KNOW so few of them. My best friends are distant mirages. I know they're there, but it's all so superficial. I feel like I'm little more than a projected image to them, a prop. But hey. Quantity over quality, I suppose. (I'm bordering toward miserable.)

I've lost all concept of 'sanctuary'. Nowhere's safe anymore. Nowhere at all. Not even my mind. My thoughts attack all sense of self-worth I could contemplate possessing, all confidence I struggle to maintain. I try to be happy, try to be outgoing. Never let it be said that I don't try. But those things are vertical marble walls that are near impossible for me to climb. I'm barely clinging on somewhere three feet above rock bottom. I'm trying my best.

It's easy to strike up a 'friendship'. You simply walk up and take an interest. That's all it takes. When I first figured it out, I nearly crashed myself into a suicidal wall. It was the same thing as finding out that all my earlier life was a waste. All the pain, all the misery, all the loneliness, when all I really had to do was walk up and ask a question, then listen and ask a question off their answer. No wonder popular girls are usually bitches. Any girl who is bold enough to do that sort of thing usually isn't afraid to speak her mind without censoring it.

I need to get out of this place. Out of this house, out of this town, out of this county, out of this state - hell, maybe I should just move out to California and get it over with. Whatever. This place is just getting more and more toxic, as far as I'm concerned. It would almost be better to start over somewhere completely new, as opposed to staying here and letting my life play out without interference.

I really should forfeit this game I'm playing. After all, it's quite clear that I'm losing, and badly. Otherwise I wouldn't be curled up on this bed, tears streaming down my face, writing out these words. So, why not? It works with computer Tetris.